im about as happy as oj after his trial
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
