separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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