Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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