If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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