We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
