A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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