You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
