is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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