Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?