P.S. I can't hear my feet
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
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He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
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You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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