the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
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The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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