I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
