Define "chronic" masturbator.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
