You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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