I heard we made out
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
