i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
