I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
