Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
