Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
