I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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