She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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