went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
