I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
