the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
