I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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