Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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