Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
