I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
