my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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