I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
someone owes me an orgasm
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
