You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
