I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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