either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
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Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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