Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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