I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
