just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
