Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
