I puked a lego.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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