Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
