I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
