So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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