when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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