Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
