how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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