Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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