apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Fuck appropriateness.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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