Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
