a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
