Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
