so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
