My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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