The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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