Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
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I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
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We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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