why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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