Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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