imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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